It happened yesterday as I was talking to my sister. I stopped and saw what I didn’t want to see. Some how I got myself spun into some type of breakdown of sorts. It is mostly physical but there is a emotional component to it. As we talked, I started listing everything that had me stressed in the last two months. The list was pretty long but what really pushed me over the edge was chronic pain in my left jaw area and being on two rounds of steroids in four weeks to reduce inflammation.
I am not very good at surrendering. I am a pusher, a fighter. I woke up at 4am after a night of broken sleep. I couldn’t get comfortable. I was trying to decide if I was working today or taking off sick. Since my work laptop is home with me, I decided to work half of a day and sign off around noon. I logged on at 6am and sent my boss a status update of how I am doing. I then texted him to be sure he knew I was teleworking. It was his reply that surprised me. He said he knew that stress in my personal life as well as the craziness at work finally took a hard toll on me. He told me to rest until I am ready to return. He was right. I replied that I would be taking leave today but was available for emergencies because my laptop is home with me.
After that I started moving around my apartment slowly. I realized just how exhausted I truly am so I logged in and requested Leave until Monday. I went to a local grocery store and picked up essential soft food that I ran out of. I made an appointment for today with IIN Accountability Partner to talk through the emotional/nutritional issues that are surfacing and how to manage this break. I made an appointment at the Acupuncturist for an emergency appointment for pain in the afternoon. I called my sister back around lunch time to let know how I was doing.
The last time I saw my sister and my Mom was October 14th. I felt great day. Both of them told me how healthy I looked. I said I felt great. It all spun out the following week. I had exceptionally stressful week in work. My Mom was leaning on me a lot for multiple issues. My jaw was a little sore but nothing outrageous. By that Saturday the migraine set in. On October 25th I started the first round of steroids which was only four days. The pain in jaw got worse instead of better. I learned my Vitamin D, Calcium and Magnesium were dropping. ENT said it was TMJ and prescribed another round of steroids because I can’t take anti-inflammatory drugs. And here’s where the breakdown really happened. The 2nd round of steroids was a six day tapered dose. I felt pretty good the first day but every day after that I had less and less energy. While I felt I was physically resting, my body wasn’t resting while on steroids. I was taking off a day or two and resting and then going to work and working 10 to 12 hours. I was not truly resting my body to allow it to heal. I am also not a pill popper. So taking steroids plus xanax was taking an emotional toll on me. Monday was last day on steroids and Tuesday night was last night I took a lower dose of Xanax. I suspect I am in some sort of detox which is contributing to my overall exhaustion. The truth is I am burned out.
Yes, I am burned out by work. I think they are getting the picture that they over utilized me and burned me out. I am burned out by my Mom. I told her so last night. So glad she put her name on the list for the senior apartment complex. She can’t manage a four bedroom home anymore and has been leaning on me for A LOT. I am burned out by the pain in my jaw and look forward to treatment plan. I am burned out…
I am thankful for school. I really enjoy the video lectures. I also made a great friend who is now my health coach too. I am thankful I formed the LLC. My school is not considered a trade school by the IRS so you can’t deduct the tuition unless you write it off as a startup expense. Since I formed the LLC, I will be able to take the full amount of my tuition, the LLC start up costs, including the accountant, as deductions. CHA CHING!!!
I am thankful for my sisters. They’ve keeping me sane this week and also talking to my mom about how much she leans on me. For some reason, I sensing someone is working behind the scene to help me in work. Not sure why I am feeling that. But, I am thankful. It has truly come to breaking point. I appreciate the support and understand it has to be given quietly 😉
This break happened for a reason. Perhaps it is to show those around me that they can’t lean on me quite as hard as they did. Perhaps it is to show folks who care about me that I need their support more than I say. Perhaps it is to protect me. Being sick is keeping me home (out of the office) and away from the current drama and fire drills. Maybe this break is to teach me how hold back and how to say no. Perhaps it is also my body letting me know it’s doesn’t like me being Diary Free and gave me mineral deficiencies to force me to eat some dairy instead using supplements. Maybe my body needed me to relook at how I am managing my Primary Foods(Career, relationship, exercise and spirituality). And, maybe it just happened because steroids suck and cause havoc in the body. I know for sure I can not take them every day. Even if I did have RA, I would not be able to take steroids daily. I know that now. Lastly, this is proof my body doesn’t like a lot of medication. So, I am hoping after a few days of detoxing and good rest, I’ll be in better shape. I am trying to be optimistic 😉
Update after my Acupuncturist appointment: Why is it the 25 minutes I am laying under a heat lamp, listening to Classical music with 10 needles stuck in my head and neck are the most relaxing and peaceful 25 minutes I’ve had in two months? Seriously, it felt wonderful. It was meditation. I could feel my body release a bit. I asked if I should be getting a treatment the weeks I really stressed out. I asked would it prevent stress from building up. He suggested we try a series of preventive treatments for stress. I’ll get a treatment every six weeks for three or times only to see if helps with stress and pain management. I am going back for another treatment on my jaw and SCM muscle on Tuesday. After that, we will start our preventative treatment series.
I also chatted with the Acupuncturist about Nutrition issues. I’ve been going to Justin Bean for years and I really trust him. I’ve referred many people to him and they’ve been satisfied. He is Dairy free also. I do not want to go back to eating Dairy. My allergies have definitely been better without it but it’s been proven I need Calcium, Magnesium, Vitamin D and B-12 for my arthritis issues. He suggested I take a tablespoon of liquid supplement twice a day and also drink a cup of Coconut Milk each day since it’s fortified with all of that good stuff. I also need to be sure I am eating Egg Yolks, Chicken Breasts and Beef for Vitamin K2. The only Diary product I am reintroducing once or twice a week is full fat plain Greek Yogurt. I had one today and really enjoyed it. I didn’t realize how much I missed it. I am adding that back in because fermented diary has many health benefits including probiotics and Vitamin K2.
Obviously, you can tell I’m using the blog as a journal until I get inspired to write poetry again. It has been helpful to write all of this out. Lastly, I love the Shrek movies. That’s why I chose her as my princess image 🦋💙👸
(C) 2017 Linda A. Long ~ All Rights Reserved
Life is best when lived passionately