NOTE: If you are here looking for love and sex poems, I’m working my way through a Depression. I create when I am happy, horny and joyous. I am none of those things right now. I hope with time my sparkle will return and the poetry and erotica will flow. For now, I am blogging about my experience with this Depression to perhaps help others see they are not alone in their dark world. Hang in there with me!
It’s been a few weeks since Depression tightened its grip around my life. I’m not crying as much as I was but I am also not happy or smiling very much. I’m somewhere in apathy and indifference. I’m hiding it pretty good but I do have moments of tears but very little joy or laughter these days. I’m ok being here for a bit. They say “you gotta feel it to heal it.”
I know all the reasons of how I got here. I understand the logic behind me trying so hard to keep it all together that I never saw I was falling apart. My mind was rationalizing that perhaps I could have prevented it. It wasn’t until the other day I saw this had to happen. I had to break so I would finally cry to lift the pressure off of my heart.
I sat across from my Therapist the other day and told her about my mini breakdown last weekend. I spoke to her emotionless. She remarked she saw the crash coming a few weeks ago. She noticed agitation and disengagement in me. I explained how the combination of events last week was finally too much and I broke. As soon as I started talking about my BFF’s declining health and not only missing MBE but also not being sure what the future holds with him or possibly us, I started tearing up again. I teared up because I knew it’s the same issue I’ve been encountering over and over again my entire life, my Achilles Heel – fear of loss. Losing love again. My heart is resisting love because I keep losing it. My heart fears joy because in my life joy has always turned to sorrow. Loving, losing, hurting, repeat.
As the appointment was ending, my Therapist suggested that I not pressure myself to “be happy.” She said I need to allow myself to acknowledge where I am for a bit. I can’t “think positive” my way out of this one; it’s too deep and complicated. She also reminded me there is no action is required of me on any level at this time. No big decisions, don’t tell anyone to fuck off😂, no forcing myself to go places and do things. Right now, it’s just about taking care of myself and safely letting out the bottled up emotions.
Well, the reality is I do have one action required of me – a command performance in Philly tomorrow with my family. It’s a birthday party. I was told by “Marge The
Sarge” aka Mom that “it will make you feel better!” 😂
I am sharing this information so others see, there is nothing wrong with admitting you are depressed. There is nothing wrong with seeking help for Depression. It’s perfectly ok to not be positive or happy for a period of time. If you are struggling with Depression, please seek help. I see a trained Psychotherapist regularly. While I refuse to take anti-depressants, I do have a script for Xanax for anxiety. It’s very helpful at times. I am also not in any danger.
(C) 2016 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved
Life Is Best When Lived Passionately
The below screenshot is from “When Bad Things Happen Good People” by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner. I find Chapter 7 to be especially powerful and helpful.