Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know ~ Pema Chodron
In the past, I’ve found my suffering the highest at times when I resisted some change in my life. The truth is this depression had been building since the mid Summer when my stomach issues flared up again. I was able to move through it using thought correction and using my connections to other people to source my own well-being and strength.
I think the reason it got a hold on me this time is because there’s just too much going on and the reality that people that I love will be leaving me one way or another is like a weight around my waist.
Another reason it took hold is because my stomach issues are now chronic. They will never go away. My doctor told me two weeks ago out of 28 days I will probably only have 21 good days. The other seven will be about managing the symptoms to prevent a full on flare up. There will be days, like today, that I am nauseous and have no appetite. There will be days I need to slow down, rest and be careful what I eat. Mostly, I need to remember stress negatively affects my stomach. That often causes my flare ups.
As I dealt with most of my issues over the last few months, I’ve done most of it alone. My BFF has her battles to fight. I don’t ask for help unless I need it. Other friends are caught up in their lives. My family, while they are all fucked up in one way or another, they are all very supportive. Makes me laugh that my niece said, “Aunt Linda, you know if you lived closer the whole crazy family would spend the day in bed with you and take care of you.” 😂 Yes, I do know that. I do.
Honestly, my life changed. I don’t surround myself with a lot of people. Honesty, I don’t like the noise and chatter. I keep to myself at work. I’m not in any of the cliques. I don’t participate in the coffee clutch gossip and I certainly don’t involve myself in other people’s business. Some of my coworkers take shots at me because I remain aloof. It usually doesn’t bother me. Lately, I am finding it bothersome. But I’m dealing with the busybodies as best I can.
Last year my BFF was diagnosed with a cancer relapse. She was staged as Stage IV and given about 18 months. They said they would give her as long as they could. It’s been just about a year since we got that news. She has actually been feeling good and doing pretty good. But it was confirmed it spread to other areas. It’s appearing that the horrible prognosis given a year ago could be true. Suddenly, it’s all become very real and I’m just not ready. I’m just not ready.
It’s also coming into my awareness that it may be time for me to accept my blue-eyed muse may not be coming back to me. Well, that’s if the rumor mill or gossip that is said around me is true. I’m giving that space in my head. It may not be true. I may not be losing him. He seems fine with me but I don’t really know. The busybodies are talking and it’s giving me great anxiety. Actually, it’s making me sad.
This morning I woke up wondering what am I resisting? All I felt was I just can’t do this alone anymore. I started to feel like there will be nothing left for me in this area anymore if I lose my BFF and MBE. I started wondering if maybe it is time to live closer to my family to have more support.
I picked up my iPad and searched usajobs.gov in downtown Philly. I looked for condos on the waterfront. I’ve always liked Fairmount/Brewerytown area. I also like the Schuylkill River waterfront. We will see what comes of that. I’m just opening my awareness in case it is time for a big change. If I’m meant to stay, somehow I will be held here. If I’m meant to leave, I will have the courage to let go and move on.
On the eve of my beloved sister’s birthday I offer her favorite prayer🙏
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things
I cannot change
The courage to
Change the things
And the wisdom
The difference ~ Reinhold Neibuhr
(C) 2016 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved
Life Is Best When Lived Passionately