There is no denying it anymore. I tried to fight and stop the fall. I just don’t know what I’m fighting for anymore. Why am I wearing myself out trying so hard in every aspect of my life? What is it gaining me? Who really cares? Does it even matter?
The truth is I feel incredibly weak, disillusioned and broken hearted. I am in a hole I can’t really find the way out of yet. I lie all day long with a smile and by saying, “I’m good!” Depression has a grip on me. It’s been a very long time since I was this sad. Crying in the shower, going into the bathroom to wipe tears away before meetings. Feeling like I just don’t have the energy anymore.
On Monday night my BFF and I sat for two hours talking about life, depression and health. She has been encouraging me to go away for a few days to completely disconnect from everything and everybody – including her. You see, she has Stage IV Cancer. She had a PET Scan scheduled for Tuesday. We both knew a lot was riding on that test. I tried to call her twice on Tuesday. I knew she found out something and didn’t want to tell me. On Wednesday, she texted me and asked if I booked the trip and to see how I was feeling. She completely ignored my question. Finally, I asked again and she told me. The Cancer metastasized three other places. But it was the way she told me that was so beautiful. She was actually more concerned for me and me already struggling with depression. We made an agreement over a year ago to always tell each other the truth, especially when asked a direct question. I didn’t lie. The news crushed me as she knew it would. I don’t have many people in my life I trust. I don’t have many people I let all the way in my life. She is one of a few. She was going to Fox Chase Cancer Center today to find out her options. We both knew there would not be many. I still haven’t heard from her but she did promise to get in touch with me Saturday morning.
There are so many reasons I am sad…my crazy fucked up family, my uncooperative stomach and body, my drama queen mother, reckless sister, pressure, feeling stuck at work, losing my best friend and not being absolutely sure that I am not losing MBE too. What will I do without her to talk to? What would I do without him in near me and in my life? When will this heaviness leave my heart?
Please understand I’m not going to kill myself. As much as I would love a quick escape, that’s a karmic mess. Nope, I have to suffer through this. I see a therapist. I own self help books. I will not take meds. I was really busy in work this week which was helpful. I was happy a project I worked on finished on schedule today. It made me happy because it’s not easy to keep contractors on schedule. It took some effort to stay on top of them. One thing I learned about managing projects a along time ago is to be firm without being confrontational. If folks think they have slack, you aren’t watching them and they think they can get away with something, they will take more slack than you had and get away with more than you realized.
When my sister was dying, her doctor suggested we all read a book called “When Bad Things Happen To Good People” by Rabbi Harold Kushner. I remember finding some comfort in the Rabbi’s words during those hard times. I’ve often returned to his comfort during times of sorrow in the past. I downloaded on Kindle tonight. I hope to find comfort.
I am writing about this encounter with depression not to garner attention but to demonstrate everyone suffers, everyone hurts. Life just sucks sometimes and it is ok to not be happy. Remember, Life is also cyclical. I’m down now but I’ll be up one day soon hopefully. This time may take a little longer though. I’m pretty worn out. I’m also pretty sick and pissed off that I’m losing again.
(C) 2016 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved
Life Is Best When Lived Passionately