On The Edge

I see it happening. I know it is happening. I am trying very hard to stop it. I can feel it creeping up slowly the harder I fight it the deeper I slip. I am tip toeing around depression. It’s too much. It’s all too much. Every aspect of my life has become stressful. There is no release. There is no joy. It’s all gone. I’m not really sure what to do anymore.

Surrender. All I read is surrender and allow. Maybe I should just let it happen. Maybe I should stop fighting for everything. Maybe I should just let myself lose motivation for everything. The problem is I have people counting on me personally. They are relying on me. I don’t have the luxury to indulge myself.

I spent the entire day on Saturday on the brink of tears and hiding it from my entire family. I tried yesterday to restore myself. I walked in nature, meditated and listened to slow soothing music. None of it worked. I’ve had trouble sleeping for weeks now. The doctor told me to start knocking myself out. I am normally great sleeper. I only have problems sleeping when I am stressed out or depressed. I knocked myself out Saturday and Sunday night. I did get some rest and even had a few dreams. That’s when I know I slept.

I used to use work as a respite from the stress and anxiety in my personal life with my BFF’s illness and all of my family’s dramas. The problem is now I feel unmotivated in work too. I feel like I have to fight too hard there too. With my blue eyed muse away, I don’t even have his attention and beautiful blue eyes available to me for a quick pick me up.

There’s no light heartedness in my life anymore. It’s all heavy; it’s all heavy stuff. I no longer have an escape; a way to leave it all behind for a few hours. Even if I went away somewhere, I’ll be taking it all with me. I live on the God Damn beach for God sakes and I still can’t escape my life.

Are things really this bad? Could I be overreacting? Could depression, anxiety and stress be getting the best of me? YES. Most definitely YES. I am working on keeping my head above water for right now. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am at a loss. A total and complete loss.

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Life Is Best When Lived Passionately

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