Saving Myself Today 

I have so much going on in my head and on my mind I don’t even know where to start with this purge. I’m just going to treat this post as a journal entry or “Morning Papers.” I’m just gonna write stream of consciousness without thinking about paragraph breaks; I may even forget to use punctuation😂 I just got to write this out of me. Pressure. It’s pressure that I am feeling. Frustration. Frustration is what I’m feeling. Why can’t anything be easy – just once. I have a small little head cold working on me. It’s not enough that I’m miserable but enough that I don’t feel great. I called out sick from my Tuesday night gig at the Rescue Mission. I can’t even think about cooking dinner. Just ate potato chips and may have ice cream for dinner. My head is killing me. The headache is catching up to me. I had absolutely no sleep last night because of all the family drama going on, my hysterical mother calling me last night, everyone calling me for help both physical, mental and financial help. I was up all night sick from worry and pressure. I am diagnosed with IBS with Chronic Constipation. As embarrassing as it is, I’ve had it for a long time. If goes on too long it makes me sick. I spray Magnesium Oil on my stomach every night which does help. But I’ve been so stressed out I’ve had diarrhea for two days. That means my stomach is starting to get stressed. I told my BFF early this morning I was at a breaking point. That’s when she spoke up loud enough to make me stop. She made me pause long enough I could see what was happening. She said, “STOP! I AM becoming exceptionally worried about you. You are going under; they are pulling you under. Linda. Do you hear me? Your physical, mental and financial health are on the line here.” I’ve been so in the middle of it I couldn’t see it. My entire family calling me with all of their problems. After focusing on some work tasks for a while, around lunch time I made the decision to cancel my cardio checkup in the city tomorrow and cancelled my plans to see my mom. I went outside and called my mom. I very assertively, calmly and without any emotions I told her her emotional hysteria is breaking me. I asked her to find a therapist to talk to instead of calling me. I told her the family crises, yes more than one is going on now, is taking me under because everyone’s asking me for help. Mom handled things pretty good. She said she saw it too & was sorry. I told her I needed to unplug from them for a few days. I’m not giving or lending anyone anymore money and they all need to respect my boundaries because I’m tapped out. I’m tapped out emotionally too. Once I told my mom about my stomach issues and not sleeping, she knew it was bad. Then at 1pm I got to have a Performance Review on the same day. Spec-fucking-tacular! Again,I was calm and non emotional. I think it’s just apathy. I have so much shit hitting the fan in my life that work just isn’t worth getting myself worked up about. It was an open, pleasant dialogue where we both stated our positions. We were in agreement on a change of career paths and focus. I am happy very happy about that. I like PM work. Finally something I can grab onto and grow in. Our dialogue broke down a bit when we talked about compensation, equity and development opportunities. Is a Development Plan for progression too much for any employee to ask for? I don’t think so. They don’t want it in writing, can’t make any promises. Yeah, like I said before….right back at ya…So, I’ll take my request to the next Manager on my list. I’ll document shit and check the boxes. I can champion for myself all day long. I am a fighter. I just shouldn’t have to fight this hard…I have no idea what I’m doing tomorrow…staying in bed, getting drunk, checking myself into the Psych Ward😂😂No worries. I won’t be drinking but you may find out I’m in the local Psych Ward for a break from life😂😂 My BFF offered to come over tomorrow for a while. I wish I could cry. I just don’t have any tears left.

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Life Is Best When Lived Passionately

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