Clearing My Heart

When I usually experience Writer’s Block for this long, it’s because my words are stuck inside my head behind life. In other words so much is going on in life that my brain doesn’t afford itself the break to create and release. In the past, writing out the garbage in my head helped clear the way for more creative pursuits such as smutty poetry for MBE. This post is just me writing out all the garbage in my head hoping it frees up some space for creativity.

First, I’ve been preoccupied by my sister. Her life blew up about six weeks ago. She lost her job as a result. While it was not totally her fault, she does have a bad temper. She doesn’t always control her temper and she lets her mouth run which made a bad situation worse than it needed to be. I’ve been helping her on many levels. But, I got to tell you. It’s exhausting. Sometimes she calls me five times a day. She did get another job already but there was a delay in unemployment benefits and that made things a bit tight for her. That had a domino effect on her family. I’ve been helping them get through this time. My fingers are crossed that things are going to settle down this week. She goes for orientation for the new job this week. However, there are still some loose ends as there are now lawyers involved and pending suit. I am hoping it settles. Mostly I’ve been trying to coach her on controlling her temper. Trying to help her see she can’t fly off the handle at work. Although she was right and what they were doing was questionable in ethics, she needed to handle it the right way. I am also coaching her on thinking before speaking. She has no filter – just like my mother 😂

Second, in early September I noticed a lump on the front of my chest. I went to my GP who right off the bat told me it had to surgically removed and biopsied. While she was pretty sure it was a benign cyst, it grew quickly and could lead to other complications. I saw a surgeon the next week. He concurred with my GP and by the time I saw him it doubled in size. While he was pretty sure it was a simple uncomplicated benign cyst, there were complications. It could continue growing. It already tripled in size in a month. It could attach to other parts of my chest and it could get infected leading to a systemic infection. The bottom line was it had to be surgically removed. I put it off a few weeks. Since I was pretty confident it was benign, I didn’t race into surgery. However, the doctor did caution me to not wait too long. He also cautioned me not to touch it or play with it. I needed to be sure it didn’t infected. If it got infected, it would be more complicated to remove. Well, it was removed last Thursday. I didn’t get knocked out. I asked them only to use a local. Just as they were starting the giving me the local, I had a small anxiety attack. They gave me oxygen and thankfully the whole surgery was only 15 minutes. I was in there at 6:30am, on the table by 7:10am and out the door with four stitches getting coffee by 8:00am. If I would have been put under, it would have been way more complicated and I would have needed a driver. While the surgery was pretty simple and uncomplicated, the healing process took a toll on me. I was exhausted for a few days but the wound healed nicely. I did what my body needed me to do. I slowed down and allowed my Immune System to do its job; which it did very nicely. I get my stitches out and biopsy results on Thursday. I’ll have a scar right at the top of my cleavage. However, the surgeon said it will fade over the next few months.

Third, while I’ve been exhausted I also haven’t really been sleeping well in the last few weeks. I had nightmares a few nights and some other nights my incision was sore and sensitive. I also had a lot on my mind. I thought I was having a Performance Review at work last week but it rescheduled by my Manager until next week. Hopefully, the delay works out to my benefit. I was looking forward to addressing a few concerns I mentioned in my self-assessment. I find myself at crossroads and feel it’s time to ensure long term growth potential. I also really do seem to enjoy program/project management types of work. If I can’t work in the field I am passionate about, I might well do work that is more challenging, rewarding for me and has growth potential. I also bid another job outside of group. I made the referral list. However, I am also beyond a mid-point at one level but not quite high enough for another level so that seems less likely to pan out. I am a little disappointed and feel a bit stuck. It seems STUCK is how I feel in all aspects of my life.

Next, I am a single woman who is 49 years old, never married without children. That wasn’t by accident; I had opportunities and made choices. Women my own age judge me. They think I do not know what love is because I do not have children. I find that incredibly hurtful. I don’t spend a lot of time with women my own age. I am usually with people older than me who have experienced life and have some wisdom. They understand my heart and choices I made. My life story is way too complicated to explain all the heartaches and reasons why my heart just couldn’t allow love inside of it. But suffice to say it wasn’t because I was selfish and it most certainly was not because I do not know how to love. It was because my heart was broken over and over again until I just couldn’t… I just couldn’t anymore… It was because the most important men in my life died when I was seven or betrayed me in the middle of the night when I was a teenager. It was because I was caregiver to dying a sister through my 20s. While other woman my age were traveling, buying homes, dating and building families, I was taking care of my beloved sister and helping my Mother prepare for her death. It was because I witnessed the tragedy of the brother in law’s sudden death in my early 30s and watched how it devastated the lives of his wife and daughters. I slept for week straight on my sister’s sofa after he died and listened to her cry all night long as she was on the basement floor. I held my niece as she laid in bed weeping for her father. I loved so much I promised myself no one, absolutely no one, was getting inside again. No one! I do not socialize with many women my own age because they just don’t understand my life.

Well, now I find myself really missing my blue eyed Muse and finding his absence harder than I thought it would be. That bothers me a few reasons. I am only now allowing myself to see how deep my feelings are for him which also makes me painfully aware he got inside. He slid past the goalie and I am feeling a bit fucked and panicked by it at the same time. In the current situation, I am not sure there is much to do about it other than wait it out and hope for the best. I am, however, working on myself. I am taking steps to open myself up to love again so it isn’t so scary. I am learning to live in the fear of loss. If you see me reading all of these crazy self-help books, it’s because I am working on myself so I am capable of allowing a man, a man I love, to come all the way inside my heart without me pushing him away out from fear. It’s not easy work. I’ve had to confront a few demons from my past hence the recent nightmares. I’ve cried a few days but I suspect they are healing tears. I know I will be better for this work. Please remember every step I take in healing my heart, I take with fear. I am taking the steps anyway. My beautiful blue-eyed muse got inside past my goalie; he must be there for a reason. I am going to try and be better so I can let him stay there. So he can stay in my heart.

Well, hopefully, writing all of this stuff out will help clear the way for some poetry😁

A friend sent this beautiful video to me last week. It really did help 😘

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3 Responses to Clearing My Heart

  1. basdenleco says:

    And “OlBlueEyes” is one lucky bastard as we say in Australia..

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