After a couple weeks of working through some muddy emotional waters, I’ve had a break- though of sorts. I realized over the last day or two that being smack in the middle of the great unknown in a few areas of my life is flat out freaking me out. It is straight up freaking me out. lol😂 Knowing what I am feeling is a reaction to change and being in the unknown, I started feeling better.
I am a doer, an action person. Sitting back, waiting and drifting along causes me great anxiety. It’s not about control. I don’t need control. It’s just I’m a black and white thinker and right now I feel I am somewhere stuck in grey. Grey lacks passion and drive. That’s not me.
I’m also feeling some separation anxiety from my blue eyed muse. He was great comfort to me. He was my playmate and a reason to look forward to every day. He’s temporarily away. So I am missing his familiar energy and seeing his beautiful blue eyes everyday. Also, his presence isn’t around to steady my restlessness. That feeling triggered a feeling of loss in me that brought up some old painful memories. I started thinking… he’s never coming back, I’ve lost him forever, I’ll have to learn to live without him…I know none of it’s logical. I never claimed to be logical. lol😂 But, it triggered a fear that’s very deep and painful in me. I’ve lost a lot of people I love from a very young age. Feeling like I lost him, triggered that pain in me😢 For some reason this temporary change for us triggered that fear of losing yet another person I love. It swelled up in me until I almost choked on the panic.
It hit me last night what was happening. I called my therapist today for an emergency phone call😂 I needed to talk this irrational fear out of me. I also needed coping skills for it because it was taking hold of me. I needed to be sure I didn’t do anything stupid. lol…Whenever I fall down the rabbit hole of that pain, it’s very hard for me to get out. My therapist knows this. She always brings me back with logic. She challenges my illogical fears and thoughts with logic. She doesn’t hold any punches. I don’t want her to. I want to hear it straight with no sugar – thanks!
Now I can see this has been screwing with my confidence. It’s giving me doubts where I had no doubts. I’ve been trying to push decisions for myself to bring something into focus in a deseaparate attempt to make the unknown known.
What I see now is, I really need to do what MBE tells me to do all the time – TAKE A BREATH😂😂😂
I also have to challenge this illogical fear every day with logic and hope for future. The truth is I have no idea what’s going to happen with him, me, us, we, my job or my future. I have to just try every day to do my best, focus on being happy now, believe good is coming my way, trust God remember I haven’t lost anyone and use my affirmation…
Everything I need want and desire comes to me effortlessly at just the right time!
(C) 2016 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved
Life Is Best When Lived Passionately