Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment ~ Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose
I am doing the 21 day Chopra Free Meditation🙏 Day four was especially powerful for me. Oprah referenced the above quote from Eckhart Tolle in her introduction. I had to listen to it for a few times because it moved me to tears.
The last few weeks have been a little rough on not only my body but also my emotional and mental well-being. It is taking me a bit longer to return to my happy energetic normal self after the relapse I had with EBV. Physically, my body is still working some issues out. My stomach has been causing me some distress and sleepless nights. I was in the ER yesterday for excoriating stomach pain in and around my left breast. I was happy to learn my heart is strong and this relapse hadn’t had any affect on it. The Doctor gave me GI cocktail of three GI drugs and Moraphine which helped relax my tummy. They also sent me home with Carafate and Tylenol 3 which are indeed giving me relief. They decided not to admit me for GI testing because my GI doc is considered one of the best in the area and doesn’t go to that hospital. It’s best I call him on Monday and schedule an appointment for a scope. The ER doc felt it could be an ulcer, gastritis or good old fashion acid reflux. I’m taking it easy today and should be fine for work tomorrow.
I mention my ER trip in this post not for sympathy but to give context to the extent this relapse is affecting me. As I was in the hospital bed, I thought of Eckart Tolle’s quote and it actually gave me peace and hope. Perhaps my niece and her fiancé staying with me since Thursday and taking me to the ER was a turning point. Maybe it’s what I needed to happen to break this cycle and change the energetic flow. Maybe once again I needed to surrender.
I changed my MO a bit this past week. I asked for and accepted help. I told people I loved the emotional impact this relapse is having on me. I even called my therapist for an Emergecy session Wednesday afternoon during lunch. Her exact words were, “It’s too much. It’s all too much. Of course, you need help getting through this. The question is Linda…Will you be honest enough with yourself to allow those who love you in? Will you let those who love and care for you take care of you? Will you accept and allow instead of doing it on your own. Will you allow it?”
I thought a lot about that question. Will I allow those who love and care for me to help me? I was holding back from my BFF and not sharing everything because she has metastatic cancer and will need chemo once a month for the rest of her life. I didn’t want to tell her because I didn’t want to seem like a baby or drama queen. I finally told her EVERYTHING on Wednesday night. Her words, advice, wisdom and love were also especially thought provoking. She told me to stop being so hard on myself and that lots of people I know would have cracked under this pressure long ago. I realized during our conversation that I’ve been trying handle it all myself because I was embarrassed. Almost as if I feel guilty and like I did something wrong by allowing thus happen. Karen said, “It’s the body you have. You have a chronic illness which most of the time is controlled but once in a while it kicks your ass. Anyone in your life should be willing to love and support you instead of judging you. If they judge you or can’t handle it, they don’t belong in your life.” I will carry her wisdom in my heart and use it was fuel as I heal.
My niece and her fiancé where staying in Cape May for the week. She called to see if they could stay with me Thursday to Sunday. They said they have a comfy air mattress. 😂 At first I was resistant but I remember what my Therapist said and gave in. It was actually really nice having them here. They spent most of the time hanging out with Aunt Linda. They didn’t even go out or hit the casinos. We were pretty low key and sat by my pool, talked a lot, watched movies and they went food shopping with me so I didn’t even have to carry my bags in😂 I eventually let them take me to the hospital. I am glad I went. The meds are definitely giving me relief and I’m quite relaxed. Nik & Ryan went home after breakfast today but I’m thankful for the love and support they gave me.
The truth was I was embarrassed to admit this relapse had a hold on me and it’s going to take time to heal. I didn’t want a special someone to know my body freaks out like this sometimes because I was afraid he wouldn’t want someone with these issues. I didn’t want to tell my family because they worry. I didn’t want my BFF to know because she has her own battle to fight. I didn’t even want my therapist to know because I felt like a failure. I see now my thinking on all counts was slanted and irrational. I will allow love, help and support from those who offer it. I will practice receiving and open myself up to the notion that perhaps my soul needs to experience these things for its evolution.
I’m sharing my deeply personal thoughts and feeling today just in case someone is up in the middle of night looking for something to hang onto during a rough night. Perhaps their soul also needs the experience to evolve and maybe just maybe reading about my journey will help them see they are not a failure, their illness is not their fault and those who love and care for them want to help them too.
(C) 2016 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved
Life Is Best When Lived Passionately