Um, yeah. I’m more stubborn than I care to admit. If you try to push me, be damn well sure I’ll dig my heels in😂 I am thankfully strong willed. I survived a lot of tragedy, heartache, bullshit and health issues because I have a strong will. I’m independent, self-sufficient and self aware. I can take care of myself. I’m intuitive, spiritual and conscious of the world inside of me and around me. I understand more than you think. I read your body language and listen for the tone of your voice. I “sense” the world around me. Guess what? All of these wonderful strengths I have, at times, are also my weaknesses.
Deep shit, right? How can all of those wonderful qualities be weaknesses? When I am too stubborn to listen to body when it tells me it needs deep long rest. Stubbornness is a weakness. When I force myself and push myself through fatigue and illness and put others before myself, being strong willed is a weakness. When I am too independent and self-sufficient to ask for help or admit to anyone who loves me that I am not well, my independence and self-sufficiency is a weakness. When I “sense” so much from those around me and absorb the emotions of others to point I can’t hear my own inner guidance and intuition, being intuitive and a “feeler” is a weakness.
It’s not pretty when someone like me has to surrender. Nope, not pretty at all😂 But once it happened, once I truly stopped and let it all go, I felt a release. Almost like I was hanging onto to the edge of cliff when my fingers broke under the pressure and instead of falling to the ground, I was suspended in mid-air. Just drifting along in the air. I was no better or worse, just lighter. My eyes were finally able to close and my body finally relented into surrender.
Healing in any fashion can only occur in complete acceptance and surrender. The more you fight it and resist the further you slip and only compound the problem. How does one surrender when one is used to holding onto to stuff with white knuckles? 🤔😂 I guess it’s different for everyone. For me, the act of surrendering to the Epstein Barr Virus and allowing my body the deep rest involved a lot of drama😂 Also involved a lot of struggling, some crying, misinterpretations, miscommunications, sleepless nights, no appetite and walking around in a raw emotional tired state until the dam broke. No joke, I only conceded out sheer exhaustion😂😴😴😴😴💤💤💤💤Nope, it wasn’t pretty at all. 😂
While in this place of deep rest, I’m also trying to learn a little something about myself, EBV and how to better handle my life going forward. The first thing I need to do is allow my body all the rest it needs without judgement. If my body needs me to spend two days in bed reading books on my Kindle and watching Netflix once a month, it is what it is. I also need to be honest with those I love especially when I am feeling drained. I need to communicate my “burn rate” in work better to my bosses so I don’t burn out. I need to live in truth🙏
The reality is I’m getting older. Every health issue I’ve had in the last five years can be traced to an Epstein Barr Virus relapse. This isn’t going away. Therefore, I need to learn how to manage it better without taking 20 vitamins a day or using herbs because they can be harmful to the Liver too. My doctor told me yesterday that I certainly take all of that stuff to support my recovery and to help make me stronger but at the end of the day it’s all about rest, deep rest. The only things that can put EBV back into dormancy is deep rest and quality sleep. For maintenance, getting enough rest, sleep, managing stress appropriately and committing to setting appropriate boundaries on demands for my time and energy. Against all of my natural instinct, I’ve reached acceptance that every once in while I have to let the balls drop…let it all drop🙏
On a lighter note, my Mom and I “fight” alot but we are also very close & good friends. Fighting is just what we do because we piss each other off a lot😂😂 It’s all good; no grudges are held. In recent years, we’ve been arguing about her cleaning skills in her house or should I say, lack thereof. I shouldn’t have to clean every time I visit😡 I even offered to pay for a cleaning lady. My Mom had Cataracts surgery on both of her eyes in recent weeks. She called today and says, “Linda! Honey! I’m sorry! I’m seeing things I never saw before! That bathroom is flilthy and don’t even get me started on the fridge. I cleaned both and asked Nikki(my niece) to come help me finish this weekend. I’m sorry!” 😂😂😂😂😂😂 God, that made me laugh😂😂😂 Fresh eyes helped her see what she couldn’t see 🙏 #hallelujah #amen #thankyouGod
Have you had to surrender in your life? Was it pretty? Have you reached acceptance with your limitations? Do you know how to rest?
(C) 2016 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved
Life Is Best When Lived Passionately