Floating 

I tried. I tried to hold it together as I felt it coming apart. I tried. I put the needs of others before my own. I tried. I thought a day or two in bed with my iPad and Netflix would be enough for me to restore myself. It wasn’t. At 11am this morning after sleeping deeply, I still struggled to get out of bed. I had to force myself to eat eggs(I’ve been sticking with Protein Shakes and Soup lately). It was in that moment I realized I had to surrender. Struggling, pushing myself and “trying” weren’t helping me. And that is when I accepted that I had to just let it all drop, let everything go.

I haven’t been sharing a lot of the details. I guess I’ve been trying to seem like I’m strong. But I called my Mom, Sister & BFF today and told them I’m struggling. Each one of them has been through this with me before. This one came up quicker than in the past. Allergies, antibotics, steroids, a low functioning Immune System and stress in just about every aspect of my life created a perfect storm. My body broke from the pressure. Some of the pressure was self-imposed, some was out of expectation, some was me not setting proper boundaries in my personal and professional life and some was just mismanagement of resources.

As my energy level started to circle the drain, I became frustrated but I also withdrew. Note to anyone who cares about me, that’s my MO. Sometimes I do it without realizing. I was also resisting my body’s need to slow down. All I heard was walk five miles, check email, take care of Mom, spend time with BFF before chemo, keep all the balls in the air for everyone – but myself.

This is usually how these physical breakdowns happen. Things build up. I get stressed out. I withdrawal. I push myself to appear like nothing is wrong. Physically I start getting sick. Sometimes it’s illness that starts the cycle off. Then I lose my appeite. Start not sleeping. I stay wired tired until I crash which usually reactivates the Epstein Barr Virus and then I’m fucked.

My Mom told me she was surprised because I seemed to be taking care of myself. I thought so too. My BFF who has Cancer and just had Chemo told me to let it all drop – let everything drop. She told she gets through her bad days after Chemo by reminding herself each day she will feel little better. She told me each day I will be a little stronger but for now I had to just STOP. She also said she felt this time around stress got the better of me and reminded me my body needs more rest than most.

While I’m by no means close to feeling well, I am starting to feel rested and I am not sleeping as much. Three days in bed sleeping and watching “House of Cards” & OITNB. By the way,I loved the ending Season 4 HoC. I love when Frank & Claire are a badass team and I was shocked by the ending of Season 4 OITNB. I liked Washington.

In my last post I wrote about me asking my angelic guardians for a sign about work and I interpretted my convo on Friday as my sign. After like 25 hours of sleep and having the anxiety/stress dial down a notch, I am thinking clearly. The work issue is complex. I will not let my emotions trigger any rash decision. However, I do believe I need to protect myself a little because my tendency is to be a “giver” – a giver until it hurts me. I also need direct clarity so there aren’t any miscommunications or room for interpretation which I feel caused part of the problem in Friday’s convo.

I am writing most of this out tonight as a reminder to myself. I need to remember how I got to this place of mental, physical and emotional exhaustion. I need to remember to hold myself back and take how ever much rest my body needs without judging myself. I also need to learn how to say no.

I go to the Immunologist on Wednesday. I wont be surprised if he suggest I stay out of work until next week. I look pretty bad.
Well, I am now trying to watch AC’s fireworks from my Living Room window which has rain hitting it. Puts kind of a damper on the show.

Please pardon any typos in this post. I am too tired to proof it again. I’ll try to fix them tomorrow.

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