I needed to get some stuff off of my mind tonight… For those who understand Myers Briggs, I am an INFJ. This post is pretty typical for someone like me😂
I remember when I was in my last bad depression vividly. It was almost ten years ago and it was bad. My sister said to me, “Linda, you are too fucking smart. That beautiful mind of yours just won’t give you a break. Life would be easier for you if you could go flip burgers and be ok with that!” We both laughed but she was serious; she was right. I think of that comment often. I especially think of it when I’m teetering on the brink of an “existential crisis” which I learned today is an “existential depression.” I get depressed when I feel I have nothing of meaning to focus on or pursue. Ordinary days, average pursuits, same thing day in and day out is like dying a slow death for me.
You see, this isn’t the first time I’ve been in this place. Actually I find myself here often. I’ve learned through the years to manage things better. I can usually turn things around before it gets a hold on me. But, this time it has a hold on me and I am trying to find my way out. I need to wake up from nothingness into meaning. This little depression is getting a push, a push from my friend’s illness and some other family issues that have been weighing on my shoulders. Yes, it pulled me in. And now I have to find a way out.
This time I’ve decided to handle it differently. I would like to learn more about myself and how to manage my mind and abilities to allow for growth. My current therapist isn’t up to this. I’ve had a therapist for years. For someone like me, it’s necessary to check in with another person to be sure nothing gets too far along. My therapist and I figured out a while ago I pursue goals like they are a drug and I am a junkie. I have my purpose, I get my high and then I crash. I usually end up laying in bed depressed asking myself “now what?”
I’m not a perfectionist. I AM a DOER! I am a creator, a mover, a shaker, an all-in kind of girl. I think I need a “trainer” 😂 I need someone to teach me how to control my power, when to let it out, when to hold it back. I really need someone who can help me go deep – very deep into Linda. I think I might actually need someone who knows how to manage gifted/high-ability adults or maybe a personal coach – not a professional mentor.
This is about my life as a high-ability adult and not just my job. I will say my work life can be impacted by this high ability. I find myself getting frustrated because I need continual challenges that are not easily presented. I view that as being “held back”. I’m not sure that is right. But that’s my perception. Also, I’m not sure my current manager knows how to “develop” the abilities I have. She’s a great manager but I’m not sure she’s the person who can help me develop. I’m looking for someone to help me develop and, perhaps, help me understand myself more. So maybe I need two people. Maybe I need a personal coach and a professional mentor.
I’ll let this roll around in my head for the next day or two. Tomorrow’s tasks are to keep my head above water and be a supportive friend as my BFF goes through Chemo desensitization. She is allergic to the very drugs she needs to save her life. A lot is on the line tomorrow. Keeping good thoughts and being a supportive friend is what I will be focusing on.
(C) 2016 Linda A. Long – All Rights Reserved
Life Is Best When Lived Passionately
NOTE: Yep, this song again ❤️👍